ImATurtleRawrr

Friday 28 Oct 2022 2055 Here’s the thing, I voiced twice how I felt and you still asked a third time. Telling me how badly you wanted you to go there so you could drink. And part of me is kinda upset that I was pushed to the back and not invited?? Like that’s kinda fucked at least to me. But it’ll be okay. You know why? Because why complain at this point? So enjoy your time. Enjoy your night. Enjoy drinking. I’m sorry. I’ve not seen you all week and this was exactly what I knew would happen. But I promised myself I wouldn’t be Morgan. I won’t take you from your friends so I’ll just sit here and cry lol. Saturday 29 October 2022 1633 I’d rather got to work over an hour early than have to sit in a house I feel unwanted in. I’m glad you had a good night. I’m glad it was good enough to come home and then play video games all day. I’m glad I got my depression nap in. I didn’t want to sleep but what else would I do? Lay in bed or sit around the house alone? I’m okay. Everything will be fine eventually. I think what hurts the most is I can’t even complain to my bestfriend anymore. She thinks I’m settling. But I’m not, I love you very much. I’m just not use to the same things you are. I have to get use to being alone. To realizing your friends aren’t my friends and my friends aren’t yours. These are the things I can’t say to you. But I’m sorry.

I do it so I can feel close to you. Because the fifteen minutes of you inside me are probably the only fifteen minutes I’ll get where I have your full attention. I do it because my fifteen minutes makes me feel like maybe I’m more important than those five hour calls. If you took your fingers off the joycons and pressed them against my body maybe I’d feel like you loved me. You work, and then you sit behind a door unless you’re eating. But when you’re eating we don’t talk. I don’t get to know how your day was or what your plans are. Our shows aren’t even *our* shows anymore. I’m a full season from when you last watched and I don’t even watch tv. I go to bed without you now. I go to sleep alone. I slowly feel myself slipping into this known darkness but it’s a comfortable one. At least I feel at home here again.

Being sexually assaulted will change you. Not in ways you want it to. One day you'll be normal, having a really good day and you'll be pushed against a wall and touched in places you don't want to be. And you can do nothing about it.  Because you never got a good look at the guy. But then, you'll see who you think it was and you'll freak out and leave the room. You'll be changed, you'll look around your shoulder everywhere. You'll want to know your friends more and know who you should leave behind. And it'll all happen because of one tiny thing. Something you couldn't have predicted. And so, you'll be huddled up in your room finding some wa